It's Friday...Good Friday, that is!

I LOVE this weekend of the year. Eggs filled with candy, spring time (unless you live in Kansas - still looks like winter), almost everyone goes to church, people dress their best and might actually sport a smile at church, Easter brunch, great music...ah, I just love it.

But today, before I celebrate His resurrection on Sunday, I want to pause and remember the price He paid on the cross for me over 2,000 years ago. Reading the Crucifixion story, there's always one verse that rocks me like a punch to the stomach.

Matthew 27:45-46 ⁴⁶From noon to three, the whole earth was dark. Around mid-afternoon Jesus groaned out of the depths, crying loudly, "Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?" which means, "My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?"

Yes, He endured the betrayal and desertion from His closest friends. Yes, he endured the public humiliation and mocking. He even suffered through the brutal flogging and carried His own wooden cross for some time. His wrist and feet were pierced with nails. He was battling suffocation with every second that crawled by, lunging skyward, reaching for each breath while tearing the nails further through His feet.

But, I know the physical pain wasn't the worst thing He had to go through. It was this stretch of hours - from noon to three, when the whole earth went dark. Jesus Christ, the perfect, sinless lamb of God, had taken upon Himself ALL the sin of the world. Every past sin I've ever committed and every sin I will ever commit. What an enormous weight. Scholars believe that the earth went dark because God, in all His holiness, could not look upon His son, who was carrying the sin of the world. So God turned His back. The emotional pain Christ endured was far greater than anything the Romans could do to His body. Because, at that moment, He was utterly...alone. His family had forsaken Him. His friends had left Him. And now God turned His back. Can you imagine the depth of His sorrow?

This has obviously been a lonely time in my life as I've not only lost a friend who was my husband, but also his family which I was very close with. One day they were a part of my life - a mother-in-law, a sister-in-law, a grandma; and then they were gone. Yet, it is so encouraging to know that I have a Savior who understands and who endured far greater loneliness than I have or will ever face. Hebrews 4:15 describes it best, "We don't have a priest who is out of touch with our reality. He's been through weakness and testing, experienced it all—all but the sin."

It's difficult to wrap my mind around all He did for me that day, but...What a Savior.

I invited one of my co-workers along with his wife to church this Sunday, and he said yes! I am like little-girl excited. They do not go to church, so this is a big deal! Maybe God put me in this position for this reason...

I'll be singing on Sunday with my girl, Leslie! Dress Rehearsal is tonight. Can you tell how excited I am? I LOVE Easter. Now, if only Dad would decide to buy me a new Easter outfit...

Good Reads

What you probably don't know about me, is that...I'm a HUGE bookworm. I love to read! (Pretty sure I got this from my Dad, and if you've never seen his collection of books, you are seriously missing out. We're talking 8th wonder of the world.) A few months ago, when I packed up everything from my house, I sold all my books and I'm still a little sad about it. But hey, desperate times call for desperate measures, and I had to pay my lawyer somehow! So here's what I'm currently reading...

Plan B by Pete Wilson
I seriously feel like this book was written for ME. The tag line is, "What to do when God doesn't show up the way you thought He would." Wilson writes about what to do when your dream from the Plan A life you were banking on is shattered and how God is still in the redemption of Plan B. This book is simply about when life doesn't go as planned and it's been a really encouraging book. I'm sure I will be tweeting (@jenileenicole) many lines from this book in the next week or so.
Buy it here on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Plan-What-Doesnt-Thought-Would/dp/0849946506/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1303308572&sr=8-2

The Priest's Graveyard by Ted Dekker
Dekker is my all-time favorite fiction writer. He doesn't waste time on meaningless details, but jumps right into an action packed story. His books remind me of the Bourne movies or the TV show, 24. I got this book as a gift yesterday, so that person is definitely on my good side! :)
Buy it here on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Priests-Graveyard-Ted-Dekker/dp/159995334X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1303309267&sr=1-1

Other than that...
Remember my broken windows? Just found out that I have to replace the ENTIRE roof. Ha. I literally laughed out loud when I heard that one. Safe to say, nothing shocks me anymore. So, here we go again... There's an open house upcoming for my house so pray for a buyer! Alright, that's it. Have a good one.

What They Think.

Last week, I stepped out on faith and applied for a really cool opportunity for my future. It's completely in God's hands and now I just wait. When I sent in my application I also sent with it some recommendation letters from a few of the kids I have worked with in the Rock Youth Ministry for the past 5 years. I simply asked them to write how God used me, if at all, to contribute to their spiritual growth. In the midst of a letter from one them, I read this:

 "This past year Jenilee went through a divorce with my former Youth Pastor, and at the time I was close to both of them. I expected Jenilee to be broken, lost, and to not know how to pick up the pieces of her life. Instead Jenilee has been an influence to everyone around her. Jenilee has given God so much glory for allowing her to go through such a tribulation, and being more in love with God then she ever was before, through both celebrations an tribulations."

Wow. I won't lie- at the end of his letter, I was in tears. I hadn't asked him to comment about my divorce, but he did, and his comment was a huge encouragement to me. Because, if I was honest, this whole time in the secrecy and quietness of my at-times very scary mind, I constantly wondered what the students thought of me. Did the failure of my marriage hurt them? We led the youth ministry for years. I know they looked up to us and as students so often do, put us on a pedestal. Did it make them doubt God? Did they still believe in the sacredness and commitment of marriage? Did they lose respect for me? At times, it's felt like the big elephant in the room. I'm sure they see me alone and wonder exactly what happened. I'm sure they've heard plenty of rumors. I know they know how hurt I've been and how betrayed I've felt.

I remember the first time I went back to the youth ministry on September 22, 2010 and I led worship for the first time since the breakup of my marriage. It was an incredible feeling. For the first time, I was onstage worshipping, and the glass house had been broken. I was simply an imperfect human, just like every one else, worshipping a perfect God. I sang the words, "It's just You and me here now," and it's never felt more real.

I don't know how everyone views me now, but I know at least to that one kid, I've been able to be an example - to trust God and have faith that He can make something beautiful out of all the debris.

One last thing - after reading their letters, I realized that the most spiritual students from the Rock had faced some of the greatest harships - one boy's dad died a year ago in a motorcycle accident, one girl's family lost everything when the economy tanked, etc. There's just something about God testing those who are strong. It's like He's never content with where we're at because He always sees a far greater potential and He will use WHATEVER it takes to get us to that greater place.

This Too Shall Pass

I've finally said goodbye to David in my devotions, and as always, his life has spoken volumes to me.

He's on his deathbed and I can see him so clearly, only a shell of the handsome, ruddy young man he once was. I imagine his vision clouded over, wrinkley skin like leather from years of living in the wilderness, muscles screaming in pain from the results of hundreds of battles. Every breath is a chore. He calls for his wife. And in the midst of his final commands, he says something in which my eyes stopped instantly and rested on.

"...the God who delivered me from every kind of trouble..."

This from the guy who went head-to-head with a giant nearly twice his size with murder in his eyes?
This from the young man who was nearly killed by a lion protecting his sheep?
Is this the same guy who ran for years from a king who was determined to kill him and wipe away his memory from the earth?
This from the man who was forced to sleep in caves and tents for hundreds of nights?
Is this the one whose father-in-law gave his first wife away to another man?
This from the man who committed adultery?
Is this the same man who got another man's wife pregant?
This from the man whose baby died?
From the same man whose daughter was raped...by her brother?
This from a man whose son would later kill that brother?
This coming from a man who nearly lost his Kingdom to his own child?
Is this the one whose rebellious son betrayed him and was later killed?
This from a man with so much blood on his hands that God would not allow him to build the temple?

If anyone knew that life wasn't easy - it was David. He knew what it was like to lay awake at night, heart beating out of his chest, jumping at every noise. He knew what it meant to feel guilt and deep conviction. He knew solitutde and lonliness and he knew fame and abundance. Countless nights he cried himself to sleep, asking God "what if". Yet, before his body decays, he sums it all up by proclaiming that God had DELIVERED him...from it all.

This too shall pass. Today, I am reminded of something so simple...God is good Jen. He will get me through every problem of today. Every worry, fear, doubt. And one day, near the end, I too will tell that God delivered me and He is...so good.

Hello, My Name Is...

 Just got to love it when you wake up to this...

Nope - the cute neighbor boys weren't playing baseball in my backyard. 100% hail damage right there! So, alas, the drama of fixing up the house and getting it back on the market continues. (Oh, did I mention that this happened to several of the windows? Yay!)

Yesterday, the message at church really challenged me. The subject was Rahab (not to be confused with rehab people), a woman who just happened to be a prostitute. So yeah, men paid her for sex. What a way to make a living. However, somewhere along the way Rahab turned it all around. She decides to be on God's Team and leave her old ways and a life of prostitution far behind her.

But, the crazy thing is - every other time Rehab is referred to - I mean every time, she is called, "Rahab, the prostitute." Talk about embarrassing. Like, thousands of years later even, in Hebrews, the Bible alludes to her as "the prostitute". It's literally like every time God introduces her, He has to mention what she used to be. Do I think God was trying to stick the knife in and twist it? Not at all.

The point is simple, but profound. God isn't ashamed of your past -whatever it entails.

I love this. It's like He wants us to wear our past as a badge of honor. Because it's what we USED to be. And it is what has made us WHO we are. And it's WHY we will help others in the same boat.Why do I love this? Because I've been thinking lately, "Okay, once I hit the 6 month mark, I won't be considered the divorced girl anymore. I won't be the one with the very public failed marraige. I won't be the one who let down so many kids." But, you know what? Six months came and went...and it still hurts sometimes. And I still feel like I have a big "DIVORCED" stamp pasted on my forehead. Because, for me, I never wanted to be divorced. I wanted to get married and grow old with that same person, just like my parents and my grandparents. That didn't happen. But...I'm believing that it will happen eventually :) I'm all about second chances.

So, I'm going to choose not to be ashamed of who I am. I'm divorced. I'm dealing with a lot of anger and hurt. I'm sick of people who lie to me. But, I'm me, and I'm real.

The Opportune Time

 The other night I read this verse during my devotions and it seemed to leap out from the page at me:

"I will come upon him while he is weary and weak, and make him afraid. And all the people who are with him will flee, and I will strike..."(2 Sam 17:17)

That was Ahithophel's (seriously, where do they get these names?) strategy for destroying David, and in my opinion, it was a really good one. I truly believe this is how the Enemy works in my life. He isn't like us. He is not impulsive or overeager. Instead, he waits...and waits...and waits... for the most opportune time and then straight up pounces. I am a fighter. I won't give up. But, if I'm tired, and emotionally exhausted and afraid of the future, then all trust in God seems to dramatically dissipate.

Life just isn't always easy. There will be moments of discouragement. And discouragement seems to always be the Enemy's most useful tool in my life.

I am so thankful for this man's influence in my life. And I happen to be lucky enough to call him "Dad". He has taught me so many challenging lessons and still continues to. However, one of the greatest things he ever advised me was, "Jen, don't ever make a decision when you are discouraged." I can't tell you how many times I've heard my Dad say this. And, his words are so valuable, because my feelings, like everyone else's, are fickle and ever-changing.

I lived with my parents for six months this year. At first, I was seriously humiliated. I mean, here I was, 25 years-old, holding no-degree, about to be unemployed, listening to my Dad snore through the ceiling and answering phone calls at 9:30 pm to "check-in". (This would continue each hour until I came home. I actually told my Dad that I was contemplating calling AT&T to block his number from my phone!) The whole situation was such a difference from the past 6 years. Some imagine divorce to be simple; a quick signature on a clean sheet of paper. It's far more complex and life-altering. As much as I "hated" living with Jerry and Christie then, I know I will greatly cherish that time I had with my parents, and I'm not talking about all the free dinners (although, that was seriously, wonderful). There were moments, late into the night, when I came home after working all day, and helping out at Hope Care or whatever I was involved in. Like David, I was weary, weak and afraid. I would cry and say, "Dad, is this it? Has God forgotten me? (Wow, I am being really real here..) Will I ever be married again? Will I ever even trust someone enough for that again? Is my life just completely purposeless now? Dad, I miss ministry, and helping people. What now?"

And in those moments, my parents would remind me of the truth of God's Word. That "no good thing will He withold from those who walk uprightly." That my future was bright. That, I was just tired and needed to go to sleep. And that I needed to eat something and put some meat on my bones, because guys like girls with a little "extra". (Ha, I told you, I'm being real here!)

So, basically, all I'm trying to say is this:
At those moments of weakness, weariness and fear, we must simply stick it out and trust in the One who is all-powerful, never slumbers, and fears nothing.

Oh, and on a side note, Ahithophel hanged himself and David survived. Ha.

What If?

I know that I can pray, and I know that God can speak to me through reading His Word. But, every once in a while I just wish I could literally talk to God. I wish I could tell Him what I'm feeling and actually hear Him speak back to me. There is so much comfort in hearing another voice tell you, "It's going to be okay Jen." Anyone who knows me knows I'm a huge talker - I love to talk through what I'm feeling. And how cool would it be to talk to the One who actually knows why we must go through every difficulty we face?

So my friend recently played this song for me, and I think the words of this song are the exact words God would tell me if we could sit down and talk. (The video is a bit cheesy, but I want you to hear it!)





We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home,

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise